Darkness Of The Night
by nineandthreequarters23
Summary: Neither of them have got any clue as to what's going on between them both. All they know is that they are in love. Remus had a bad transformation, Sirius feels like it's his duty to help him with the morning after guilt. Wolfstar. Read and Review! SB/RL. Oneshot


A/N: I don't really know what I'm doing with this, but I know I'm excited about it. Please read and review!

02 February 1977

We both looked at each other with pain in our eyes searching in the other one for some sort of answer about what to do. We left Peter at the hospital wing. He was out cold now, and just as consciousness began to leave him he demanded firmly we go and check on Moony. So here we both where.

Absolutely fucking clueless, at the wee hour of five in the morning. On the edge of forbidden forest, an area we all knew pretty well as it was right beside the Whomping Willow passageway.

James and I just stood there. All we were was helpless onlookers.

I could see him. So could James.

He had his back to us in the distance. His knees drawn up close to his chest, arms wrapped around himself. From what I could make out, he was naked.

"He's going to be feeling worse than shit right now." James sighed deeply, "How do we take away his guilt on this one?"

I looked at James. Of course he would feel guilty, what James didn't realise was that it wasn't Remus's guilt that would eat him alive, it was his innate blame and therefore hatred of himself. In this moment I knew that Remus needed me, however he needed me to be something that I just wasn't cut out to be at all.

"Let me talk to him James." My voice was flat. I'd never been more serious in my life.

"I really don't think that's a good idea Pads. I mean, you aren't exactly very good at the whole touchy feely stuff and somehow I doubt that Remus needs any of your stupid jokes right now."

If only James knew how good I had come to be at the 'touchy feely stuff' in the past couple of months. Then again that would require him actually knowing. "Do you trust me Prongs?"

"Yes of course I do." James paused and sigh heavily, "But Moony needs,"

I intercepted quickly, James had trod upon a nerve. "Trust me when I say I know exactly what Remus needs right now better than you do. I won't fuck this up. Just please Prongs, give us a minute."

The frown upon James' face softened, "You're serious? No bullshit?"

I gripped James' shoulders forcing him to make eye contact with me, "I'm deadly serious. I've got this." I released him, "Go back to the hospital wing. You can be with Wormtail and check he's okay while I sort out Moony."

For a second I saw an inquisitive look cross over his features, but he soon relaxed into normal unconcerned Prongs.

"And you're sure you can handle this?" He gestured wildly to the curled up, naked rather dejected Moony in the distance.

"Yeah Prongs, I'm sure." I smiled reassuringly at him.

The more I had to reinforce that I could handle an upset Remus to Prongs, the more I started to have doubts in my own abilities. I mean Prongs did have a point, I had never exactly been a delicate soul when it came to dealing with other people's emotions. However I had to tell myself, rather sternly, that this was Remus and not some random person, and I knew his emotions most definitely better than my own.

Prongs took one last look at me, he simply nodded, turned and walked away. I glanced after him for a while, knowing in my heart that it meant I didn't then have to physically, and metaphorically face with the situation in front of me.

So slowly that anyone would think I had arthritis in my neck, I turned my head and looked at the sobbing Remus in the distance. I took a deep breath. Cautiously I placed one foot forward into the crunch of frost covered forest floor. Then tentatively, I repeated the action until I was moving slowly over to the boy I loved.

I hoped with all my might that I would have the right words to say.

* * *

><p>I knew as soon as I transformed back that I had hurt someone. The moon had vanished early and so had my friends.<p>

I was covered in blood, and I could smell that it wasn't all my own.

I tried to focus desperately to know which friend it was I had hurt, but all I could remember was my vague strikes against flesh. It was moments like this that showed my lycanthropy to be the true horror that it is.

I couldn't even make it out from the scent of the blood lathered across my skin because it was too clouded by my own scent.

When it had happened, I was stuck inbetween. I knew I wasn't yet human however I was neither still full werewolf either. This was no comfort to me, I should have had more control over myself if I was becoming more human. I should have been able to control it. If only my dratted mind would unfog and show me who it was I had hurt.

I don't think I could ever overcome the guilt if it was Sirius. I knew he would laugh at me and tell me I'm being ridiculous and that of course it wasn't my fault, but I don't think I could meet his eyes again, let alone his lips, without knowing in my heart that I had hurt him. He'd probably make some ridiculous comment about how scars are sexy and I did him a favour.

After that thought it was like something broke within me.

I finally picked myself up off the floor of the shrieking shack, noting along the way how my body physically screamed at me to cease any movement and address my own wounds. By this point though, I was far too laden with guilt to care a fraction about my own wellbeing.

Somehow I wandered out into the grounds of Hogwarts and trundled away from the Whomping Willow and towards the forest.

What the fuck had I done?

I kept on walking for a while. I knew in my gut that severity of the injury alone was major. How could I have been so careless in letting them be with me through my transformation all these years and expected nothing bad to come of it? I was quite possibly the most selfish human being alive. If you could even really call me human that is. The betrayal of Dumbledore's trust alone proved that I really was a narcissistic childish boy. I had allowed the only people I had ever met in my life that hadn't left me when they had found out, illegally turn themselves into animagi which in itself begs for an injury, and then allowed them for my own comfort to stay with my werewolf self during full moon nights. I'd shown my friends, who had always been so eager to see past my lycanthropy, the true disgusting reality that is my monster within.

In a second, I stilled and fell to the ground. Pain registered in the back of my mind, but the emotional torture my soul was enduring was far more intense. I brought my knees up close to my chest and wrapped my arms around them, I was half aware now that the bite of the cold I had been feeling was so extreme because of my nakedness, but again I hadn't the effort to stir any reaction within other than acknowledgement and the theory of just punishment.

It was always going to be like this for me. I was always never going to be able to keep those that I love truly safe whilst simultaneously having them in my life.

Once again the monster had won. Once again I had let it.

I was not worthy of their friendship. I was certainly not worth their love.

I was never going to be enough of person to deserve any sort of love. Sirius' face sprang to my mind, and I felt my heart shatter inside the concave that had become my chest.

How could he ever possibly love me? I was a beast consumed by darkness that would devour them whole. I would only destroy him.

He deserved better than I was ever going to be able to give him.

I finally gave in and let the sobs ebb and flow. Time became a simple human construct as I gave into the animalistic desires to get lost within my grief.

I hope he wouldn't hate me. And yet, I also hoped he would.

* * *

><p>He had no reaction as I moved closer to him. He was probably too wrapped up in his own poisonous thoughts to be aware of the world around him. I started to shrug off my leather jacket. His pale skin was a dreadful shade of purple. It really was very cold out here, and I at least had a layer of clothes to keep me warm.<p>

As I neared even closer to him, I could now begin to see the mottled pattern of bruising and cuts across his skin there as evidence of what had transpired last night.

As if approaching prey, I stealthily took my rightful place beside Remus. He had no response to my presence.

"Do I not even get a morning kiss?" I jested.

Remus lifted his head off his knees and shook his head slowly, "Please Sirius do us both a favour and leave me alone. I'll only end up hurting you too."

I decided swiftly that Prongs had been right, my stupid light hearted jokes right now weren't going to cut it right now.

"I'm not going anywhere soon Remus." I paused and moved closer to him, "there's nothing you can say to me right now that's going to result in pushing me away."

I nudged him with my elbow gently, then after no response, I folded my arms across my chest in a display of what I thought to be determination, but more probably was a display of how much of a dick I was.

I rested my chin on his right shoulder, resisting the urge to shiver against the contact of Moony's cool skin. He faced me slowly with tears in his eyes.

For a while we stayed like that.

Remus blinked away a few more tears. "Who was it?" He croaked out.

"I'll tell you if we go inside, it's freezing and I'm no good to you if little Sirius drops off from the cold."

"Sirius please, just tell me." I hated hearing him pleading like that. He just sounded so helpless.

"Compromise?" I kissed his shoulder much to Remus's distaste, "Wear my jacket?"

"Please stop Pads." He sighed deeply, "You're making everything so much harder by being so nice to me. I don't deserve it."

I reached out for his face and turned it towards my own. Then I did the only thing I could think of. I closed the distance between us, I pressed my lips towards his, inhaling deeply at the feeling and the scent of my lover. My lips moved against his, he didn't respond. I pressed further against his mouth, there was still nothing. I moved from his lips and kissed everywhere in sight, his chin, his cheeks, his forehead, his eyelids as they fluttered shut trying to stem his own tears, I even kissed his tears. I wrapped him in my arms and stopped kissing him.

"You deserve the world and all it's constellations Moony." I draped my jacket around his shoulders finally. He snuggled closer into me and I welcomed the intimacy, with Remus it was so much less scary being intimate.

"Please Sirius I'm fucking good for nothing werewolf. I deserve nothing." Remus scoffed at me, his use of coarse language caught me slightly off guard.

"No matter what disease you're plagued with, you're still the purest person I know and for that reason alone, I love you." He turned to face me suddenly.

"You love me?" He blinked at me.

"Isn't it obvious? Haven't I made it plain to you this whole time?" I was trying desperately quash the struggle inside I had about the fact that he hasn't said it back.

"You've just never said it, not in those words anyway."

"Well I have now."

There was a moment of silence between us.

I sighed deep, "It was Wormtail."

"How bad was it?" He held his breath.

"Honestly..?"

"Of course."

"It was pretty bad, but nothing a few hours in the infirmary can't fix."

"So I didn't..." He took a deep breath inwards, "I didn't..."

I was confused, "Didn't what Moony?"

"I didn't; tell me, did I?" He sighed deeply and started to squirm with discomfort, "Oh god, did I bite him?"

"No of course not! Please Moony have some faith in yourself. If not yourself, then at least Prongs and I, you think we'd let that happen?"

"Well you let me attack him didn't you?" He snapped back at me.

I recoiled ever so slightly, "If you'll turn your attention to your left ribs," Remus turned quickly to look, "you'll note there's a rather large dog bite. We stopped you before any major damage was done. I attacked you before you could do any real damage. Plus it was Wormtail's fault really, he broke formation and got too close."

"Have you heard yourself right now? It was Wormtail's fault forgetting attacked by his werewolf best friend!" Remus objected.

"It was his fault. He even knows that. Please Remus this wasn't your fault." He scoffed at me, "firstly when you're in wolf mode it's not your fault, you have no control of your actions. Secondly, Wormtail got too close to you and too far from us. This wasn't your fault."

Remus sighed deeply and through his gritted shivering teeth asked with bravery, "Is he going to be okay?"

"Of course he is Remus!" I held him closer to me, "Now please," I paused, "Simply because I'm concerned about little Remus' health when he's turning blue for purely selfish reasons, i.e. I rather like my boyfriend's dick, can we please go inside and get you some clothes?" I pleaded with him. Remus chuckled into my chest a little, he at least found it amusing.

I wasn't kidding the colour Remus was turning was most definitely not healthy and I didn't want him to get hypothermia and favourite bits begin to drop off.

"Okay then. Only cause you asked so nicely." Remus rolled his eyes at me.

I felt hopeful, maybe I had managed to dissuade some of Remus' darker thoughts about the current situation. I untangled my body from his and picked myself up off the forest floor. I then turned my attention to Remus and looked down at him on the floor, I stretched out my shivering hand to him. He turned his head and met my eyes once again, it was hard for me to look, they were clouded with shame. I had an overwhelming urge to just take his pain away, I just had this drive to care for him like I'd never felt before, this was more than loyalty, it was love.

Remus took my hand and I slowly pulled him up to stand full height, all the while very aware of his current injuries causing him a sizeable amount of pain.

Weirdly enough, looking at Remus naked in front of me didn't stir up any unsavoury thoughts for once. Seeing him that vulnerable made it hard to view him in a sexual way. I put my arm around Remus as we walked side by side heading back to the Whomping Willow. We both walked in total silence apart from the incantation to still the Willow, the only sound between us was the crunch of the crisp frozen ground and our shared gasps as we moved.

It wasn't even a simple case of me having to support Remus back to the Willow with all his injuries, it felt more like we were supporting each other.

When we got to the Willow, I, without any words, indicated to Remus to stay where he was and I would bring him the clothes. Before leaving him alone, I pressed my hand against his cheek and stroked it gently.

Re-entering the room now along with a bundle of clothes, I could see him hunched over a table dresser in the corner of the room. I would have given anything to put a smile on his face. Yet again I found myself approaching him with great care. Gently I touched his shoulder over my leather jacket, he was shaking with the cold rather a lot now.

"I brought you some clothes." I felt myself grin before I had a chance to not.

Remus chuckled at my smirk, "I am too aware of the sheer irony. It's very rare that you want me to put any clothes on at all." His voice was clouded by his bone-breaking shivering. He took the clothes in my arms off me.

"You say it like you don't act the same way." I said ever so slightly defensive, "I mean if I remember rightly it is normally you undressing me."

He scoffed at my comment but didn't deny it either, he rather just struggled whilst trying very hard to put his clothes onto shaking limbs.

"Do you want some help?" I asked innocently.

Remus looked at me as if begging me to not mortify him anymore.

"I mean..." I felt a wicked smirk take over my face, "I did overhear Evans once talking about muggle medicine and they have a really interesting theory when it comes to keeping warm. Apparently in situations such as this one, muggles press their bodies close together whilst naked in order to conserve heat faster. Now if you think that would be less embarrassing then me helping you get dressed, we could try that I suppose."

From the look on his face I instantly knew I had won. After helping him put the right limbs in the right holes, I turned to face him, I could tell that Remus was by no means 'fixed' or whatever but that he was at least feeling slightly better. He took a seat against the dresser on the floor, I stared down at him.

"Will you please," he paused as if he was having difficulty, "Can you please stay with me for a little while?"

I relaxed a little, "Of course I can."

I sat down next to him again, except this time Remus opened his arms out to me and I snuggled close to his side.

"I know I have to go soon. I'm aware that Madam Pomfrey will be waiting for me to check in with her after a full moon night. And I'm also aware that I feel very compelled to see Peter while I'm there. But for now, I'd really just like to sit and be with you for a while longer." Remus kissed the top of my head and as much as I had tried to deny it, especially at the beginning, I knew that this between us was just right.

"We can sit. I'm all yours." I smiled. Around Remus, I swear sometimes I would just turn into a total schoolgirl and loose all my usual charm and control.

"I know this is the worst timing to do this. And we shouldn't discuss this while our best friend is in the hospital wing, especially when he's there because of injuries I inflicted upon him, but before; you called me your boyfriend."

I inhaled deeply and I could feel all the muscles in my body tense.

"Yes I guess I did call you that." I tried to not give anything away in my voice.

"Is that how you see us?"

This was the downside to dating your best friend, they would never let you get away with anything, especially the offhand comments you make.

"I suppose it is how I've come to see us. Unless you don't want that."

It is interesting how in a matter of a few minutes someone you love can really alter your whole disposition just by asking a few simple rudimentary (seeming obvious) questions. I still couldn't help but recall in this moment his reaction before to me telling him I loved him. Maybe he didn't see us in the same way I did. I had always been under the impression that it was just me that was very dubious about commitment, but maybe it had been Remus this whole time and I was simply the first one to break. Maybe he didn't love me back. Maybe he wasn't ready for this. Or maybe he didn't want any kind of a 'this' in the first place.

"I was always under the impression that you didn't want that. I mean just look at your track record with girls." Remus admitted rather softly.

"But you aren't them. And this," I gestured loosely at the two of us, "has never been that." I sighed.

"So you want to be together?" Remus inquired diligently.

"Again," I paused, "I thought I made that clear." I had just told him I loved him before, what more did he want?

"So you want us to be together, exclusively? As in, me and you, we don't see other people, together?"

"Are you seeing other people?" I'm rather ashamed to admit that there was a rather potent tone of jealousy present in my voice.

"Are you seeing other people Padfoot?"

This was tiresome.

"Oh for goodness sake Moony, I would like you to be my boyfriend. As in, we don't see anyone else in a romantic sense but each other. As in, we still hook up and cuddle. As in, we still do all the cringy shit we're doing currently with each other. As in, we carry on exactly the way are, except if you've been seeing anyone else I would like you to drop them and be with me, okay?" I was rather exasperated by the end of my outburst.

From the look on Remus's face I knew he had gotten his chosen reaction out of me.

"I suppose I could do that." he smirked at me. Although I was glad he seemed to be happier and now able to tease me, I was thoroughly pissed at him all the same. "However I might need time to give all my lovers notice that I'm officially closed for business, because my boyfriend no longer wants to share me." he jested.

"Shut it Moony."

He laughed under his breath, and brought my hand to his lips.

"We should probably get going soon. Or Pomfrey may send out a search party for you." I tried to conceal my embarrassment from the previous conversation.

"You are right, we probably should." Remus started to stir and move hesitantly. I noted the amount of pain he must now be in.

"Sirius?"

I turned my head to him and I rose up off the floor.

"I assume that although we're finally in the relationship place, we're not quite in the telling people place yet?"

I thought for a second. "Not yet no."

"That's okay. Neither am I."

Next thing I knew, Remus out his hand on my cheek tucked my hair behind my ear and smiled deeply at me. He ever so slowly brought his face closer to my own and instinctively I closed my eyes. Our lips touched ever so softly and it was like my whole body came alive. Sometimes when Remus kissed me it was like he was joining our souls together. I kissed him back with the same adoration. He kissed my jaw and forehead and then leaned over whispering in my ear,

"Thank you for being so sweet before and saying all the right things to me."

We separated and he started to walk away from me and towards the entrance while I stumbled after him in awe.

"Oh and Sirius?"

He turned around to face me as we exited the shack into the passageway.

"Yeah?" I murmured.

"If you didn't already know... I'm in love with you too."

For second I didn't think I had heard him right. Then realisation hit me and I don't think I had ever been happier in my whole life. We held hands for a little while on the way back to the hospital wing.

I was in love with Remus Lupin. Remus Lupin was also in love with me. For once in my life someone truly loved me.

And for the first time in my life, I was content in the knowledge of love.


End file.
